Sunday, June 17, 2012

An Introspective Post

I haven't posted lately, been on vacations and trips and will cover those later. But right now I feel the need to blog about this, so I'm blogging.

I've been rather introspective lately, thinking about my life and what I want from it. I also started reading The Tao of Pooh for the second time, and I feel like it has more meaning this time around. I often get the feeling that I'm not really being me, not following my own nature. J and I had a talk about it as well.

One of the kickers right now is belly dancing. I love it, don't get me wrong. But I never wanted it to be the center of my life. I love it as a hobby. I'd love to do it once a week or so. Lately I'm scheduling my life around belly dancing, and it's making me not like it. That means it's time for me to back off the belly dancing. We're looking to take a break for the summer anyway, so I can reevaluate everything then.

I also have backed off of my responsibilities for OCSA (officers' wives' club). I'm not on the board anymore, and I handed off one sub club while taking on another that I'm more dedicated to.

I also never got started with volunteering at the animal shelter.

So July is the start of the second half of this year. I would like to take July and make it a month of trying to be more true to myself. I would like to start volunteering at the shelter. I'd like to do some research on what it would take for me to go back to school and get my Master's degree. I'd like to find a part time job (but I'm keeping expectations extremely low on that front). I have lots of crafting I'd like to do and haven't had time for lately.

I've never been a very social person, and I think I'm starting to feel burnt out from all the socializing I've been doing. OCSA board things, luncheons, and belly dance so often and in public. I need some quiet time.

I'm not retreating into my cave by any means, but rather backing out of responsibilities to others for a while. I will instead try to be more responsible to myself. My diet has not been doing well (put weight back on) and I need to get serious about running again if I want to do the TransMountain Challenge in October. I need to get back on my bike again as well, since it's such great cross training for the running. Maybe hit the pool. I'd love to set myself a schedule where I do some kind of workout 5 to 6 days a week. Maybe even start the 100 pushups challenge again, since I quit the first time.

I have to get through this next week, first. Well, the next 2 weeks. J might be changing units soon (not moving anywhere, though), and that will take up a lot of his time, which in turn can stress me. He's my relaxer, so I get stressed when I don't get to see him. I feed off of his stress. Plus we have a hafla this Thursday and will be handing the belly dance scepter from one leader to another (NOT me).

J will still be deploying sometime this year, and I would like to get myself into a better standing within my own head before he leaves. When I'm happy with me, our relationship works better, and we need to keep our relationship strong to weather a deployment.

I think the writing helps me work through my thoughts sometimes, so I will try to keep blogging through this journey. I look back sometimes and remember how I thought I would feel by the time I was 30. I thought I would have myself all figured out by now. I'm now 31 and I still feel so young and naive. I don't know yet just who I am. I don't really know entirely who I want to be. I struggle with what I want to do in my life. But I know the me I'm looking for is somewhere inside. I just need to find it. 

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